I used to read a lot of celebrity gossip type magazines, and one of the weirdest, yet most accessible features in them was when they asked some random celeb (now it’s mostly reality “stars” who I’ve never heard of) to dump out their bag so we mere mortals could see what they carried around while living their fabulous lives.
There was always some weird thing in there to make them seem more “real,” but for the most part it was all crazy designer versions of day to day items. Apparently being on a reality show makes you need $100 lip balm. Dehydrating work.
I always ended up wanting something from those bags. I bet $100 lip balm is ah-mazing.
This will not be that.
1) Keys – the little square thing holds pictures of my children that were too big to fit and are cropped down so that only the center of their faces are in there. It’s weird. There’s also a little elephant strap because I like it. The monkey key is for my garage door. The Eagles key is for my parents’ house. I’m not sure if they got me that one because I am such a huge sports fan (ha) or if it was on sale.
2) Wallet – filled with way too many cards and probably $1 in cash. Maybe a penny.
3) Checkbook – for, you know, checks. So old school.
4) Blotting Paper – to maintain my calm and cool appearance.
5) Loyalty Card Bag – because I am not loyal to anyone and have cards from every establishment I have ever set foot in. I usually don’t actually get them out. If they can’t find me with my phone number I don’t want to play.
6) Hand Wipe – because life is messy. And these smell nice. My stock is low because someone touched a goat and fed a deer.
7) Mints – I stopped chewing gum because I thought maybe it would help me stop grinding my teeth in my sleep. I don’t think it worked.
8) Almond Butter – in case of a snacking emergency. I usually have RxBars too – I should reload those.
9) Papers – from recent flu shots and blood donation. I think there’s also a paper about what I should be eating, I hope it includes almond butter.
10) Reading Glasses – because I am old. But they are Ray Bans because I am old and cool.
11) Lip Gloss – I am very proud of myself that there was only one in there. Go me.
12) Hand Cream – I have a problem with buying all of the hand creams. This one is nice and coconutty.
13) Medicine Bag – do you have an Advil? Why yes, I do. Also some Dramamine, some Lactaid, and a nail file. You can count on me.
There is also a Chap Stick in there that I forgot to number. Clearly not a bag contents inventory professional.
Is this is the bag of a fascinating person? Or a perpetually hungry elderly woman who needs to constantly moisturize.
Same difference, right?