I just went on my first vacation trip with the new BF. It was fabulous and fun, but there were a few hitches – all of them based on my desire to be low maintenance despite the fact that I apparently am incapable of doing so.

The first foreshadowing of trouble came when he picked up my bag and noted that it was quite a bit lighter than his. I patted myself on the back for being such an efficient packer.

Yay, me!

Then we arrived at our first destination and I realized that it is cold in the north (duh), and I had packed literally not a single thing with sleeves. Oops.

Determined to make the best of it, I squared my shoulders against the chill, grabbed my little travel shoulder bag and off we went to dinner.  Immediately upon sitting down I realized that my tiny bag did not contain my reading glasses, so I was incapable of reading the menu. Oops #2.

The trip continued along these lines. I didn’t have room in the bag for the bottle of water I needed because I was thirsty.  My shoes were rubbing my foot because I only packed two pairs of socks. Still no sleeves.

I am a royal pain in the a** apparently, especially when I am trying super hard not to be.

This led me to think of all of the ways in which I am NOT low maintenance.

Now I am not sure I want to hang out with me, that chick is a diva.

20 Clues that No Matter How Hard I Try I Cannot Be a Low Maintenance Traveler (because I love a good list):

1. I make the list to pack from, but then don’t look at it while actually packing.  Thus, no sleeves.  Or no socks.  Or no underwear.
2. I have a comfort range of about 10 degrees, otherwise I am either sweaty and grumpy or freezing and grumpy.
3. I am a vegetarian, but it’s fine, we can eat anywhere, I can always find something on the menu.  Don’t worry about me.
4. Oh yeah, no tofu. Or mushrooms, or onions, or peppers.
5. Can I have some more ice in this drink?
6. My hair.
7. This bed is too soft. And my porridge is too hot.
8. I can’t see without my glasses.
9. I’m thirsty.
10. Where’s the bathroom?
11. No WIFI? WTF?
12. No sense of direction whatsoever. Like, none.
13. No comprehension of public transportation.
14. If I walk too slowly my back hurts.  If I walk too quickly my feet hurt.
15. My navigational usefulness is limited by the 30 seconds that I can read in a moving car before I am going to throw up on you.
16. So many toiletries.
17. I can’t be outside in the sun for more than 15 minutes before some random part of me will start burning.
18. I left my guidebook at home.
19. The list of places we wanted to see? That’s on my phone, back in the hotel.
20. Voted most likely to trip on a cobblestone.

You totally want to go on a trip with me now, don’t you?

Let me know when you want to leave. I’m game for anything, totally go with the flow.

Except…not.