Keeping Score

I have no interest (none) in sports, yet am somehow super competitive, especially with myself. I want to be doing everything right and have a probably unhealthy compulsion to avoid being wrong. And sometimes this manifests in strange ways.

I noticed the last time I was at the grocery store (where I seem to be quite frequently) that I was keeping score (with myself) of how “good” I am.

Half a grocery cart full of fresh fruits and veggies? Yay, me!

Uh oh…box of Cap’n Crunch…bad…bad…

As I spread the final haul out on the conveyor belt I was summing it all up…

Look at all of the whole grains…the produce…the skim milk…the Oreos? Hide those right under this Organic Yogurt.

As I loaded up the fridge after arriving at home I assessed the shelves full of fresh healthy stuff and called it a win.  The cookie closet doesn’t “count” in the final tally, right?

Of course it doesn’t.

The same carries for exercise.

Follow my running program = yay me!

Piss away the evening without moving a muscle…rack up under 2000 steps on my UP Band…demerits are applied.  (Yes, I am literally keeping score of the number of steps I take.  Is that good? I’m not sure.)

I used to even have a little notebook with a little scorecard of frequently I worked out – so I didn’t justify to myself that I “just did it the other day” and then realize the other day was two weeks ago…I’m better now.

I wonder if this is normal. Is this positive self-talk?

What happens if I win? If I lose? COULD I lose??

Or is this obsessively monitoring myself?

But if it was obsessive, wouldn’t I be “better”? Less Oreos, more running? Less Iced Coffees, more Green Tea?

Or would “better” be worse OCD-wise? Are there extra bonus points for obsessiveness?

Excuse me while I go work out the math.

About Kristen

Me: Kristen, 40-something (there's no need to be more specific), suburban mom of 2, working girl, therapeutic writer Addictions: Iced Coffee, FOMO resulting in twitchy compulsion to check FB/Instagram/Twitter/Pinterest in an unending loop, texting, hugging my children, yelling at my dog

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