Keeping Score

I have no interest (none) in sports, yet am somehow super competitive, especially with myself. I want to be doing everything right and have a probably unhealthy compulsion to avoid being wrong. And sometimes this manifests in strange ways.

I noticed the last time I was at the grocery store (where I seem to be quite frequently) that I was keeping score (with myself) of how “good” I am.

Half a grocery cart full of fresh fruits and veggies? Yay, me!

Uh oh…box of Cap’n Crunch…bad…bad…

As I spread the final haul out on the conveyor belt I was summing it all up…

Look at all of the whole grains…the produce…the skim milk…the Oreos? Hide those right under this Organic Yogurt.

As I loaded up the fridge after arriving at home I assessed the shelves full of fresh healthy stuff and called it a win.  The cookie closet doesn’t “count” in the final tally, right?

Of course it doesn’t.

The same carries for exercise.

Follow my running program = yay me!

Piss away the evening without moving a muscle…rack up under 2000 steps on my UP Band…demerits are applied.  (Yes, I am literally keeping score of the number of steps I take.  Is that good? I’m not sure.)

I used to even have a little notebook with a little scorecard of frequently I worked out – so I didn’t justify to myself that I “just did it the other day” and then realize the other day was two weeks ago…I’m better now.

I wonder if this is normal. Is this positive self-talk?

What happens if I win? If I lose? COULD I lose??

Or is this obsessively monitoring myself?

But if it was obsessive, wouldn’t I be “better”? Less Oreos, more running? Less Iced Coffees, more Green Tea?

Or would “better” be worse OCD-wise? Are there extra bonus points for obsessiveness?

Excuse me while I go work out the math.

About Kristen

Me: Kristen, more than 40-something (don't make me face the number), suburban mom of 2, working girl, therapeutic writer, proprietor of an emptying nest Addictions: Iced Coffee, FOMO resulting in twitchy compulsion to check FB/Instagram/Pinterest in an unending loop, texting, hugging my one child while Snapchatting the other and yelling at my dog

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s