I have no interest (none) in sports, yet am somehow super competitive, especially with myself. I want to be doing everything right and have a probably unhealthy compulsion to avoid being wrong. And sometimes this manifests in strange ways.
I noticed the last time I was at the grocery store (where I seem to be quite frequently) that I was keeping score (with myself) of how “good” I am.
Half a grocery cart full of fresh fruits and veggies? Yay, me!
Uh oh…box of Cap’n Crunch…bad…bad…
As I spread the final haul out on the conveyor belt I was summing it all up…
Look at all of the whole grains…the produce…the skim milk…the Oreos? Hide those right under this Organic Yogurt.
As I loaded up the fridge after arriving at home I assessed the shelves full of fresh healthy stuff and called it a win. The cookie closet doesn’t “count” in the final tally, right?
Of course it doesn’t.
The same carries for exercise.
Follow my running program = yay me!
Piss away the evening without moving a muscle…rack up under 2000 steps on my UP Band…demerits are applied. (Yes, I am literally keeping score of the number of steps I take. Is that good? I’m not sure.)
I used to even have a little notebook with a little scorecard of frequently I worked out – so I didn’t justify to myself that I “just did it the other day” and then realize the other day was two weeks ago…I’m better now.
I wonder if this is normal. Is this positive self-talk?
What happens if I win? If I lose? COULD I lose??
Or is this obsessively monitoring myself?
But if it was obsessive, wouldn’t I be “better”? Less Oreos, more running? Less Iced Coffees, more Green Tea?
Or would “better” be worse OCD-wise? Are there extra bonus points for obsessiveness?
Excuse me while I go work out the math.